Module 3--"C" Stands For Control That is Shared

The Science of Control. When we share the control, we get our share. When we hoard the control, we soon lose it all.

Saying “Hurry up!” is an example of a parent trying to take all the control. We all know the result of this, the child just slows down. This is his/her way of saying, “If you think you’re going to have all the control, then I’ll have all the control.”

 

A parent who understand sharing the control, is more likely to have good results by giving some choices such as, “Would you rather dress quickly now, or change in the car? You decide.”

You will become amazed at how children respond to choices rather than demands.

We either give control or the other person takes it!

Parents who understand this rule of psychology know that when they offer choices, the control is on their terms.

Parents who believe that they can successfully boss their kids around, soon find that the kids have their own special ways of taking control on their own terms. Would you rather be dealing with control issues on your terms, or the kids’ terms? The authors of Love and Logic say that it’s all up to you. The better your skills become the more control you have.

The Art of Control. I will always provide two alternatives, either of which will make me deliriously happy!

When offering choices, never offer one choice you like and one you don’t like. When you do this, the child will usually go for the choice you don’t like.

Offer 2 choices, but make sure the child knows that there is an implied third choice: If he doesn’t decide, then we’ll decide for him.

Choices are not always the only—or the best—technique. Sometimes it is better to use “Thinking words” or “enforceable statements”

Some parents make the mistake of giving their kids inappropriate choices. For example, “Would you like carrots with dinner, or candy?” We all know what will happen with this silly example.

Magic Phrases For Stating Choices.

• What would be best for you . . .
• Would you rather . . .
• Feel free to . . .
• You can either . . .

There can be a fine line between choices and threats. Each of these phrases is designed to keep the choices we give from sounding like threats. 

 

Choices You Can Live With

  

Make sure when you answer:

• It is not a threat.
• It involves two choices you can live with.
• You are willing to make the choice if the child doesn’t.
• Your answer will allow the child to experience the consequences of the choice selected 

Never give choices when the child is in danger.