The “COOL” formula works interactively with the Four Steps to Responsibility.
“C” Stands for Control That’s Shared. Parents need to determine who has the control now and to understand how to give away a little control and get a lot back.
Love and Logic parents are not permissive. Permissive parents give the kids all the control, allowing kids to make choices even when they hurt or irritate others, including themselves. The difference is that Love and Logic parents allow kids to make many small choices. They allow kids to decide about things that do not affect the parents. The parents make the big decisions and all of the ones that affect the rest of the family.
The better you become at this, the fewer problems you will have with your kids.
Many parents make the mistake of offering a child a choice after issuing a command, and then hearing the kids say, “No!” Choices should be offered before the youngster can say “No!”
Wrong Way:
Parent: “Drink your milk.”
Child: “No.”
Parent: “OK, do you want juice or milk?”
Right way:
Parent: “Do you want juice or milk?”
Child: “I want candy.”
Parent: “Nice try. Juice or milk?”
“O” Stands for Ownership of the Problem. Parents and kids need to be able to determine who owns the problem.
Parents who have trouble figuring out who owns the problem create many problems for themselves and their kids. To name just a few, they include:
1. Stealing away kids’ opportunities to prepare for the real world.
2. Becoming overwhelmed with raising kids.
3. Frequent arguments with their kids.
“O” Also Stands for Opportunity for Thinking/Decision Making. Parents need to understand how to give the kids an opportunity to do more thinking than the adult.
Kids have a difficult time learning to think when their parents do their thinking for them. All humans, including children, have strong needs for control.
Love and Logic parents help their kids get their control needs met through several healthy ways, including enforceable statements, choices, and guiding kids to solve their own problems.
“L” Stand for Let Empathy and Consequences Do The Teaching. Let empathy and consequences do the teaching and, as a result, prepare kids for the real world.
Consequences expressed in anger create anger and resentment on the part of the child. The child remembers the parent’s anger, not the lesson that was to be learned.
When parents express their empathy before describing the consequence, the child is much more likely to remember the lesson and the parent’s love and understanding as well.
The authors suggest that you practice this as often as possible. Use the same instant empathetic response every time. Follow this by saying, “And.” The word “and” helps to open their ears so they can hear the consequence better.
Many times it is best to say, for example, “That is really a bummer, and I will have to do something about that. I’ll get back to you after I think it over, then I can let you know what will happen. Try not to worry about it in the meantime.”
This delaying of the consequence gives you time to think, clear your head, consult with others if necessary, and as a result, handle the situation in a way that makes you proud of your parenting skills.
Extra Thoughts for Module 2
Kids learn to take care of themselves best by watching their parents take care of themselves.
When a child causes a problem, it is best to hand the problem back to the child in a loving way.
Love and Logic parents
- Do not express anger.
- Do not waste time with lecturing.
- Do not waste time with arguing.
- Delay the consequences.
- Cool down and think clearly.
- Let their children spend more time thinking about potential consequences.
- Let their children see who is in charge of the home
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