Lesson 4--"O" is for Ownership of the Problem

“A child who knows his problems are the concern of another, concerns himself with none of his problems!”

Dr. Fay likes to refer to this principle as the “no sense in both of us worrying about it” syndrome.

Even when a child doesn’t seem concerned about his problems, parents should stay out. Whether the problem is laziness, bad grades, or tardiness at school, parents must find a loving way to back out and let the consequences do the teaching for the child.

The 3 Styles of Parenting

Read through the article found at this link: http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/three-types-of-parents.pdf Think about who it is that takes ownership of problems with the three different parenting styles. When we take on the child’s problems, we do a great disservice by robbing the child of a chance to grow in responsibility.

You may want to check out the CD “Helicopters, Drill Sergeants, and Consultants” which will provide you with solid information about parenting styles and their effects upon child development.

“How to Determine When It Isn’t Our Problem”

Sometimes children’s behaviors are our problems, when they affect us. For example: If a child’s slowness in getting ready for school makes her late, we stay clear of the problem, however, if the child’s slowness in getting ready to leave the house makes us late, we deal with it.

The rule is, “If it’s a problem for us, it should soon be a problem for the child.”

“The best solution for every problem, resides within the skin of the person who owns the problem.”

Every time we solve a problem for a child, we steal a learning opportunity, and a piece of the child’s self-esteem.

Every time a child solves his/her own problem, they grow in responsibility and self-esteem.

The best solution always comes from the person who owns the problem.

Determining Who Owns the Problem

Determining problem ownership is not always as clear-cut as we’d like it to be. Ask yourself how this problem will affect YOU. If this problem won’t affect you, then turn it over to the child—it’s their problem to deal with. Ex. If a child’s procrastination makes THEM late, turn the problem over to them. If a child’s procrastination makes YOU late, take action.

Special caution: We, as parents, are masters of twisting situations to make our kids’ problems seem like our own. Be careful of that tendency. Remember that everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves.

Guide the Child to Solve the Problem

This empowering message says, “We trust you to solve your own problem.” Should the child make an unwise decision, Love and Logic parents allow the child to learn from his/her mistakes.

Follow the steps listed and turn your child’s problems back over to them to solve for themselves.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/guiding-children-to-solve-their-own-problems.pdf

“You can solve a problem any way you want to as long as it doesn’t make a problem for anyone else in the universe!”

Love and Logic parents guide children to solve their own problems in ways that do not harm or inconvenience others. They say, “You can solve this problem anyway you want, as long as it doesn’t make a problem for anyone else.”

Problem Solving Steps

Empathy:
Benefit to Child: Feels heard, supported by the adult
Benefit to Adult: Aligns us with child

Power Message:
Benefit to Child: Implies “You’re capable of solving this.”
Benefit to Adult: Transfers responsibility for the problem back to the child.

Choices:
Benefit to Child: Builds self-confidence by implying, “We trust your thinking abilities.
Benefit to Adult: Offers child opportunity to learn from own decisions and mistakes, instead of parent structuring a “lesson.”

Consequences:
Benefit to Child: Child does the thinking.
Benefit to Adult: Parent guides rather than solves.

Solve or Not Solve:
Benefit to Child: Child ponders, “If no one else is concerned about this, I better be.”
Benefit to Adult: Transfers ultimate decision to the child.