I belong to a co-op preschool with a bunch of friends of mine. We have six little girls in the preschool, and they have a lot of fun together. Today it was my turn to teach.
We were having lots of fun, but JJ (my 5 year old little girl) wasn't feeling very well and wasn't acting very well. We were doing an art project, and I was giving the girls some instructions. JJ started kicking up and didn't want to follow the project instructions. She started to whine and to complain. I gave her some choices. I said, "JJ, would you like to be at preschool today and do our project or are you feeling sleepy and sad and would rather be done with preschool for today?" (I was OK with either choice--be sure when you give a child a choice, either choice is fine with you.)
At that point JJ escalated the whining and the crying and began a full on tantrum. I said, "Uh Oh! Sounds like you need to go to your bedroom." That was followed by a "NO!" I got up and took her by the hand and proceeded to escort her to her bedroom. While we were walking I said, "JJ, do you want to be in the bedroom with your door open or your door closed." She said, "Open," and then she went the rest of the way to her room on her own.
I went back downstairs and continued preschool without her. She stayed in her room for a few minutes and then came back downstairs, a little teary, but calm and ready to participate. I said, "Welcome back JJ! Do you want to glue your lollipop to the paper or would you like not to put it on paper." JJ made her choice and finished her project. She was respectful, calm, and cooperative the rest of preschool, and we didn't have to have any battles. It was lovely!
The Uh Oh! Song is a very helpful technique that helps you keep your cool in an emotional situation. It also allows kids the freedom to get themselves together in a place away from the family. It allows them to recover and decide for themselves when they're ready to act appropriately. Using the Uh Oh! Song also allows your children to see you exerting loving control. They soon learn that tantrums and other inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated.
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I am having a hard time with the Uh, oh song. Mostly because I tell the girls it's time for a bedroom time and they will go in just fine. But, they sit there and whine for over 45 minutes. There is not breaking it, there is no understanding that if you are sweet and stop crying and whining, you are done 3 or 4 minutes after that. No matter how many times they are told that that is all they have to do in order to get out.
ReplyDeleteSo, after letting them in there for so long...I just give in and let them come out.
Help me understand what I have to do to do better!
Also, in listening to the CDs, I have started thinking about thinking words and fighting ones...I am just very bad at the thinking ones... Pareting is hard!
Be of good cheer! Don't worry! You'll get it!
ReplyDeleteA couple of suggestions about the uh oh song . . . don't worry if they're in their rooms whining for 45 minutes initially. That's totally OK. Read a book, watch a movie, call a friend. Enjoy the quiet of them whining in their room and not in your kitchen. Once they get the hang of it, it won't be 45 minutes in their room anymore, but there will be a learning curve for them.
Remember to avoid reminders about what they need to do to get out of their room. Sing, "Uh Oh! Sounds like a little bedroom time." Scoop them up and take them to their room (giving choices along the way is good . . . door open or door closed, door closed or door locked). Then tell them that you'll see them when they're sweet. Don't worry how long it takes them to get that way.
The point is that they learn that yucky behavior doesn't get to be where it can disturb others. They can behave badly as long as they want to, just so long as their behavior isn't impacting others (hence, the bedroom time).
Now the key is not to let it affect you. Don't go in and tell them that if they just stop, then they can come out. Act like it would be fine with you if they spent the day there. If you get worked up about them getting to come out or not, it will feed their misbehavior.
Remember that anger and frustration always feed misbehavior.
The other thing to always avoid is giving in. Behavioral psychologists have studied conditioning for years. What they have found is that when reinforcement is given for a certain behavior on a variable schedule (meaning sometimes they get reinforced, and sometimes they don't), that is when the behavior is most likely to occur. When you are inconsistent, it teaches your kids that if they keep trying what they've been trying, eventually, you might give in. It makes them try harder, more persistently, and for a longer time period.
If you always give in after some lenghty time period, that's not much better. You, in essence, condition your kids to whine for 45 minutes and then they'll get what they want.
It might be tough for the first couple of weeks, but be absolutely consistent, be absolutely untroubled, be absolutely kind and you will see amazing results more quickly than you might think.
It's good you've started pondering thinking vs. fighting words. It takes a lot of practice to get that one down, but don't worry! You get 18 years with these kids to keep practicing, to keep working on it, to keep doing a little bit better every day.
Remember that you don't have to eat all of the elephant in one day. One little skill at a time is the way to accomplish this great goal.
Don't beat yourself up for what you're not doing perfectly. Celebrate the little successes, and keep on trying. :)
Thank you! This was so helpful! I will try my hardest to just put them in there and let go. I think that is the biggest thing in this whole process...learning to give up control and allow them to take it.
ReplyDeleteWho knew parenting would take these many skills :)
Thank you!